The experience of self love completely eluded me for a large part of my life. That is until I found her, curled up inside my heart yearning to be held, to be loved, to be told that everything will be okay.
For the most part, my childhood was beautiful, I had long unkempt hair and dirty feet, I spent hours on end playing outside on the farm, singing my soul songs into the breeze.
On the other hand, I spent the rest of my time feeling angry and frustrated. Maybe it was because I wanted to be heard or all I really wanted was love and support, but I didn’t know how to ask for it or receive it.
As I grew up, I buried that child and with her, all of her anger and hurt, below layers of prescription and nonprescription “medication,” only to discover years later that wherever I was so was she.
She went on living there in my heart, just waiting to be acknowledged. When I found her there she was scared, and hurt, but holding on to the hope that one day I would return.
Now, as an adult I can let her shine in the ways she always wanted to. She is pure love and I can protect her now, I can give her all of the freedom that she desires. I can give her a voice. Instead of suppressing her, I now let her lead me.
It's her, the child who lives in my heart that brings me to my most profound experiences. She is the wise one, the strong one, and it is when I surrender that I come alive, in the most authentic ways. Daily I submit to her playfulness and vitality so that I may embody her grace and fluidity in every moment.
I am her mother, I am her protector and just like a momma bear and her cub, this love is ferocious because I never want to be disconnected from her again.
To know my inner child, to accept her is to love myself for the very first time.